


if 00Q be the food of love

by christinefromsherwood



Series: 007 Fest 2019 [14]
Category: James Bond (Classic movies), James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies)
Genre: Ballad, Fix-It, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Limericks, M/M, Poetry, Romantic Fluff, SPECTRE Fix-It, Sonnet, alliterative verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-10 17:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19909861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/pseuds/christinefromsherwood
Summary: You can find here my attempts at poetry of the Bond and mainly 00Q genre :DContents:a ballad about rain00Q fluff-festMorning Poetry00Q dialogues as a sonnet; so much fluffStartling Situations Which Still Surprise"alliterative verse" 00Q poem;5 times Bond startles Q, and 1 time Q startles Bond7 Bond Fix-It Limericksfeaturing Classic Bond characters helping out Bond years laterBlofeld's SPECTREcular Failurea SPECTRE fix-it, Bond's gloating sonnet addressed to the defeated Blofelda haiqa 00Q haiku, written for my fic First DraftTrash Unworthy of Her Floofinessa series of 3 limericks dedicated to Her Highness Princess Pampuria, a hint of 00QADa haiku about being a spywritten for the scavenger hunt, on a café napkinBond is dead?: A limerickwritten for the scavenger hunt; items to put on a shrine to pray for Bond's safe return, 00Q is you squint





	1. A ballad about rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Q and Bond of the In the Cotswolds!verse got engaged :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the prompt Raindrops

### a ballad about rain

When Q left MI6 that day  
he really had no clue  
that forgetting his umbrella  
would bring him something new

Heavy rain fell from the sky  
Q shivered and said “ _Fuck_!”  
He looked towards St. James’s  
and wished he was a duck.

Black cars blurred in front of him;  
Rain on glasses was a bitch:  
Q ran for cover as fast he could,  
then fell over a ditch.

Then pain and blood (that stained his pants  
from where he scraped his knee)!  
_“Fucking London, fucking rain!”  
_If only he could see!

Q limped towards a shop window  
and then he barged inside.  
He thought of James, warm and safe at home,  
who had offered him a ride.

Q refused it like an idiot  
the morning had looked fine  
James said he’d make him dinner then,  
Q promised to get wine.

Q cleaned his glasses, thinking fast  
where to get some Riesling  
His phone was dead; the day was shite  
Q feared he ruined the evening.

 _“Can I help you,”_ came from behind.  
Q whipped his head around.  
Duh, there are people at a jewellers!  
The shop assistant frowned.

 _“You see, I have a customer-“_  
the cross lady began.  
Q put his glasses on his nose  
and then noticed the man.

The man’s face looked a bit blurry still,  
Still raindrops smudged the glass   
But if Q couldn’t recognize those eyes  
He’d recognize that ass.

 _James, what are you doing here?!_  
Q yelped out in alarm.  
Bond really should have been at home  
with his broken arm!

 _“Erm- that is- ah -Hello, Q!_  
_I didn’t see you there,”_  
James stuttered with a guilty grin  
one hand stuck in his hair.

Something glittered on that hand,  
gave off a golden glint.  
Q walked a few steps towards him,  
eyes narrowed in a squint.

He wasn’t sure his eyes saw true  
but it really was a ring!  
Q shook his head and then he frowned:  
where did James get the thing?

He wasn’t married, Q knew for sure,  
so what was up with that?  
The lady behind the counter  
was grinning like a cat.  
  


_“Shall I wrap these for you then?”_  
she twittered in great glee.  
James threw her his best murder glare;  
\- Q should climb him like a tree.  
  


Then he noticed a small box just there  
to the left of James’s sling  
it lay open, the insides bared:  
Inside it - another ring.

 _“I planned to ask during dinner, Q-“_  
_“Ask… ? I didn’t get the wine_!”  
_“Just say that you will marry me_.”  
_“Well, alright then, fine.”_  
  


Raindrops splashed against the parapet.  
James’s mouth was lovely-sweet  
So Q didn’t care one bit  
He wouldn’t care if there was a sleet!


	2. Morning Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sickly sweet sonnet of the Shakespearean form, as a dialogue between our boys

### Morning Poetry

“My Love is a faerie prince with messy hair  
who can topple dynasties, destiny defy  
with his clever fingers - one imperious stare  
sends me to my knees, makes my heart soar high.”   
“My Love is an old lion with a passion for fire  
who can gentle any creature with a single stroke,  
make my soul fly upwards, reach even higher  
with one crooked smile, one dirty joke.”   
“I love my Love better than any other  
even if he won’t build me a new Jaguar.”   
“I love my Love better than any other  
even though he destroyed his last five cars.   
Now stop being silly, James, and come back to bed.”   
“Wait, I’ll just make some toast, have to keep you fed.”


	3. Startling Situations Which Still Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "An alliterative verse" poem, written for [Celyan (melynen)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celyan/pseuds/Celyan) who prompted me with 5 times Bond startles Q, and 1 time Q startles Bond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, yeah, I know, the stresses don't really work everywhere like they should with alliterative verse :D So sue me! I'm still bloody proud of this XD

1  
“Will you wait?!” wailed the voice  
of the young Quartermaster in a yowl.   
The agent acted like an asshole.  
Watching him jump was a jarring jolt.  
Cursing, Q cried out quickly seeking  
the footage of Bond’s fall…  
“Sitrep!” he hissed. Still stunned silence  
rang round the branch, resounding.  
  


“A dinner-date, darling?” drawled the dickhead,  
unruffled, unharmed, unable to understand  
Q’s startled screeching in surprise.

2  
“How is your sushi?” asked the sleeze.  
Dim candle-light danced down  
Q’s chalky cheeks and chin.   
“Superb,” he said, silently seething.  
“Wonderful,” whispered the wanker.  
Hating cats meant Q hated him.  
Duncan the Dull, the dim-witted dick  
could say sayonara to a second date.  
  


“Q, come quickly! A catastrophe!”  
bellowed Bond from behind.   
Q started in his seat,   
staggered to see the spy   
in the restaurant. “See you sometime,”  
he said to his suitor, insincerely.  
then bolted to Bond, blessing his luck.  
  


“A crisis in Cairo?” Q queried quickly.  
“Four is fine,” Bond flaunted his fib  
with a wide, winning grin.

  
He grabbed at the front gate,   
gallantly guiding Q .  
“That moron made misery and murder  
flash frankly across your face.”  
  


3  
Friday the Fifth inflamed  
the romantic researchers in R&D.  
Only a week until the wings and valentines  
vomited pink violently  
everywhere.

The inevitability of Eve’s intrigues   
to bring about a blind-date with   
another bloody blithering buffoon  
bode badly for all the boffins.

  
Grumpy and grim, Q glowered  
occasionally from the cover  
of his open office door.  
  


Presently, he peered at the blue-prints  
propped by the old, pointless printer.  
“Q,” came quietly. The Quartermaster  
veered at his visitor who ventured  
away from the entrance; excited.  
  


“Put a bell on Bond,” Q pretended   
to put down on paper, peeved.  
“Perhaps a date?” Bond beamed.   
“Dream on,” Q dashed   
his delusions.

4  
“Come on, Q, you can accept,”  
wheedled Bond, waving the wine.  
“A thanks for your assistance.”  
“Just doing my job,” Q declared, determined.  
Unseen behind the screen,   
his face flushed furiously.  
  


Blind to his blush, Bond stubbornly  
insisted. Indeed, he inched  
forward, emitting a frustrated huff.  
“First, your footage freed me from  
the police cell in Ceylon.   
Then seventeen hours straight   
on the coms! Christ, Q!   
Bloody bring it to the boyfriend!”  
  


Startled, Q smashed the X key.  
“Crap!” quoth the Quartermaster  
and cursed. He’d cancelled the code.  
  


“Got it wrong?” guessed the agent.  
“Spectacularly,” said the single scientist.  
His smile seemed auspicious  
for once.  
  


5  
Relaxed, R received a crate  
from the sleepy security guard.  
Cradling it carefully, she carried it to Q.  
“A curious container,” Q contemplated,  
busily tinkering with Bond’s broken  
tablet, trying to tap into its interface.

The agent stood at attention alongside.  
“The damn device deserves destruction,”  
groused the agent, glaring at the gadget.

“Git,” Q grinned. “Go get me the g-“  
“Bomb!” Bond bellowed and bounded,  
covering Q completely,   
crashing him to the ground.  
Enraged, Q exclaimed:   
“Excus-“ The bomb exploded.

+1  
The bloody beeping bothered Bond.  
Sighing, he stretched despite the spasms  
in his stomach. Still with his eyes   
closed, he struggled to summon  
the memory of the past moments.  
‘Medical?’ he mused, muddled.  
‘But why-?’ “Bond?” bawled  
 _his_ Quartermaster, hysterically,  
in a high voice, hiccupping.  
  


Then, “James?” and just thereupon,  
luscious lips locked onto  
Bond’s bruised, bloody mouth.  
A gasp and he grabbed him,  
sobbing in surprise.  
  


“Love?” Q’s lilt lifted   
Bond off the bed, begging  
for more of Q’s miraculous mouth.  
Careless of codification,   
Q climbed and crawled  
atop the bed and Bond:  
An absolute bliss.


	4. 7 Bond Fix-It Limericks For Lin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No 00Q in this one. 
> 
> These are just amazingly hilarious Bond Fix-it limericks, featuring Classic Bond characters travelling into different movies and helping Bond with the plot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the collab prompt table and Linorien who asked me to "“write a character from a Classic Bond movie helping Bond out many years later”. These are all my favourite Classic Bond Characters. :)
> 
> Hope you like at least one of these, Lin :D

1  
There once was a man called Sharkey  
Who had no time for old Bond’s malarkey  
He survived the harpoon  
Offed Bunt with a spoon*   
He was a very good pal, that Sharkey.

> _* It was a crab spoon. ‘Cause Sharkey was a fisherman. Get it? :D :D_

2  
There once was a doctor named Holly  
Who hated her surname quite wholly;  
Slapped Six up the head  
When he said: ”Give good head?”  
Now Alec and Bond can be jolly.

3  
Poor Dr. Jones also disliked her name  
Especially if asked when she came  
Now she and Strawberry Fields  
Are each other’s shields;  
They helped set Denbigh aflame.

4  
Dear Valentin was the king of the crooks  
And his caviar delighted all cooks.  
Took one look at Le Chiffre  
Said: “The rope you better leave!”  
Saving Bond’s bezants their looks.

5  
Now, Della was an excellent gal,  
And Quantum she’d easily corral  
No Mathis in a bin;  
She took Camille in,  
Should have called her for Casino Royal.

6  
Now, Wai Lin had no time for Bond’s shit  
No, she didn’t care that he was hit.  
She dragged him from the river  
and thus saved his liver  
and kicked Silva through the jaw when it split.

7  
Now, Jaws really cared for his Dolly  
Even in the rain he’d bring her ice lolly  
One day he met Blofeld,  
and Jaws didn’t have a blackbelt  
So he beat him to death with his brolly.


	5. Blofeld's SPECTREcular Failure

### Blofeld's SPECTREcular Failure

Shall I compare thee to an ugly squid,  
Like the one marring poor Sciarra’s ring?  
I took it off him, then he fled and hid.  
And thus to thee, Blofeld dear, me did bring.

Sweet Maddy, thy pawn, thou didst overrate!  
Outside the clinic she went for my neck.  
At once I acted, did not hesitate;  
The hypo I took and stabbed her right back.

Why! _L’Américaine_ is not a good code  
When one knows the greatest of boffins.  
Q went right ahead and found your abode;  
Now your henchmen must go buy their coffins.

So long as you, brother mine, live and breathe;  
So long lives this; I hope it makes you seethe.


	6. Haiq

Q, you are my smile;  
A lightning bolt inside me  
singing louder still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is ridiculous and OOC BUT I wrote it for a 00Q fic where it fits perfectly. 
> 
> Check [First Draft](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20015086) to see this in context.


	7. Track Unworthy of Her Floofiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for Princess Pampuria, No. 2 of SPECTRE, to apologize for _[Up To High Heaven](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19992325)_

There once was a big fluffy kitty  
Who sure liked to be called pretty.  
And when she felt misused  
she’d puke in Bond’s shoes.  
Before sleep she’d need a tale gritty.

Yes, this kitty we call sweet Pampuria  
In her stories she liked a nice burial:  
Where cats eat human hearts  
and none get accused of farts-  
Not even if they get very ill.

Pam lived with her Daddy and boys  
And sometimes she’d borrow their toys  
And if she chewed on a dildo  
while they drank their Bordeaux,  
she’d later bear all their shouting with poise.


	8. haiku about being a spy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the Scavenger Hunt: Write a haiku about being a spy. Post it at a coffee shop.

Text:

My disguise was shit…  
Oh hell, I really was hit!  
I blew this dead-drop!


	9. Bond is dead?: A limerick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #7 Scavenger Hunt: Bond is dead. Again. What items go on the shrine you use to pray for his safe return? (text or picture)

[ ](https://christinefromsherwood.tumblr.com/image/186678594606)

Bond, listen, you need to come back!  
Here’s your gun, it’s all shiny and black.  
Your razor, your badge…  
Those two socks that don’t match.  
I refuse to believe that plaque!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, what are you talking about? The items on the shrine were not at all determined by what did and didn’t rhyme!


End file.
